Leon's Super Special Awesome Adventure
by lolsmileyface101
Summary: This is a parody of Resident Evil 2. It's Leon's POV, Duh. If you couldn't tell by the title. XD I'm just joshing you. Wait, no I'm not! It really is a parody! O.o Rated: T for language & violence.
1. Leon Meets Claire

**A/N: Well, here's my sad attempt of a parody. I hope you like it. :D**

**It's totally making fun of Leon. He's fun to mess with XD I love him.**

**I DONT OWN RESIDENT EVIL. IF I DID, HELL, LEON WOULD RULE THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHA.**

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Chapter 1: Leon Meets Claire

Some dude in a gay looking police uniform was driving down a dark and eerie street with his windows rolled down, and his speakers blasting Love Game by Lady Gaga.

All of a sudden, some dead chick was laying the middle of the road.

" Oooh. Why is there some dead chick in the street? " He got out of his car and stared. " Too bad, she was kinda hot. " He turned around to climb back into his car when there were three dead dudes walking towards him.

" Duuuuuude. You guys are dead. Why are you walking? Heh heh, that's cool. " The gay looking dude was named Leon Scott Kennedy.

---

MEANWHILE AT SOME RANDOM GAS STATION...

Another dead dude fell backwards out of a window and made this weird sex noise. Someones happy...

Some fat pedophilic man was sitting in his semi truck, holding his bleeding arm. " That guys a maniac! Why'd he bite me?! "

_"Uhm, maybe because he's a frigging ZOMBEHH!"_ The-person-who-tells-this-story pointed out obviously.

BACK TO THE GAY LOOKING DOUCHEBAG IN POLICE UNIFORM...

---

The cool looking dead people were walking towards Leon as he pulled out a camcorder. " Nooo. Groan some more! Yes! Just like that! Uh huh. Now, you ugly bitch with the bad haircut and jaw hanging off by a few ligaments, walk more limpy like. There! Great! "

He saw more of those cool looking people and decided not to push it with the picture taking. " Well, I gotta run. There's some girl in this bar I need to save. Talk to you all later. "

Just as he said that some girl in a slutty pink leather outfit said " Wait, don't shoot! "

" You talking to me? Because I never shot anything in my life! I don't even have a gun on me! Wait, yes I do! I wonder what this thing does... " The asshat decided to poke and prod at the gun making it fire wildly.

The girl ducked for her life. A bullet that was shot due to Leon's crazy gun proding spree had miraculously shot a bald zombie man guy person in the forehead that was behind the hot chick with a ponytail.

" Hey bitch, we can't stay and drink a few beers here, so let's just assume the police station is a lot safer and go there! "

The bitch nodded and grabbed his hand as they skipped away singing Skip To My Lou.

They came across a random police car. " Hey maybe this car actually has the key in the ignition and we can get in it and drive! " Leon said, smiling stupidly.

" Totally! " The bitch agreed. And as they predicted, the key was in the ignition, and the douchebag Leon decided to drive.

They were only driving for a few minutes before the bitch started talking again.

" What is going on?! I arrived in town and the whole place went insane! "

" Great! The radio is out! " Leon pouted, ignoring her completely. " That sucks cow testicles. I really wanted to finished listening to Love Game... "

" Did you just cut me off?! " The bitch yelled.

" Yep. "

" Your a cop, aren't you? "

" What gave me away? My obvious police uniform or my sexy hair? "

" Your sexy hair. "

" I knew it! My name is Leon Kennedy, nice to meet you. " He said, still smiling like he was admiring some naked boobalicious chick in Playboy.

" My name is Claire, Claire Redfield. "

" I don't care how red your field is! " Leon yelled. " Heh, that sounded dirty. "

Claire with the red field and Leon Sucks Ass Kennedy chuckled a little bit.

After their we're laughing fit, Claire said " I came to find my brother Chris. "

" Yeah, yeah, that's nice. I don't really give a horse shit! "

Suddenly, behind them, a speeding semi came accelerating towards them!

" HOLY SCHNIKIES! " Leon screamed. " There's a dead Brad Pitt driving that car! I should pull over and ask for his autograph.

Claire slapped him upside his head. " No! He's dead. That's not even Brad Pitt anyways. "

" Ah fooey. You should open that glove box. There is a gun. Even though this isn't my car, and we just randomly decided to drive this car, I know there's one in there. "

" You have pyschic powers!! You should have your own show! "

" Yeah, I'd call it: That's so Leon! "

" Perfect! " Claire cheered as she opened the glove box to find a handgun. " I hope I don't shoot my eye out with this. "

A dead guy with the same exact hair as Leon popped out from the backseat randomly. " Hey guys! I was just wondering how you get to- "

" OMGWTFLOLSMILEYFACE! " Leon laughed hysterically. While he was busy laughing, the car spun around several times and crashed into a stop sign. The zombeh flew out of the windshield and hit the pole.

" Aww, poor guy. I liked his hair. " Claire frowned.

Leon patted her on the back. " Me too. "

While they were mingling, Claire noticed that the pedophilic fat ass who got bit was too busy eating a cheesburger to realize he was about to hit them.

" Leon! " She pointed.

" It's gonna ram us! "

" No shit, Sherlock! "

" Get out of the car! "

They both dove out of car just in time to save themselves. For the semi truck crashed into the car that Leon and Claire hijacked and it explodedededed.

" Claire! " Leon called from one side of the flames.

" Leon! " She responded from the other.

" I'm okay, and frankly, I don't give a shit if your hurt or not. Go to the flipping police station. I'll meet you there. "

" Okay! "

_They were parted by an unescapable destiny. This is just the beginning of thier worst  
nightmare...... WTF is this? The OC?! MOVE ALONG!_

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**A/N: I hope you guys liked it. Lol. I enjoyed writing it. XD Now, I hope you guys who read it are some loyal reviewers. **

**That would soooooo make my day. :) **

**I'll update ASAP.**

**Kthxbai!**


	2. The black guy who didn't die first

**A/N: Konichiwa!**

**I love that you guys enjoy my parody so much. **

**Just so you guys know, it was an act of boredom, and it turned out pretty good. Hehe. **

**Anyways, thanks for the kind reviews. They made me smile like Leon. =)**

**And yes, I'm going to spell zombie like this: zombeh.**

**It seems funnier to me.**

**& I DO NO OWN RESIDENT EVIL. KTHXBAI. XD**

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Chapter 2: The Black Guy Who Didn't Die First

" Ohai thar guyz. I'm just trying to get to the much-safer-than here police station. Follow me if you want. " Leon said stupidly to the zombehs.

He went running past the cool dead people doing the stanky legg, until he came across a gun store. He went inside and stood there for a good solid five minutes, letting his drool drip down his chin.

After snapping out of his stupor, he took a step forward.

Randomly, a fat man pulled out a crossbow at him. " Who are you?! What're you doing here? "

" Why are there so many pedophilic fat asses in this game?!" Leon shouted at no one in particular. " Why did you wait to aim your weapon at me when I took a step. I was kind of giving off zombeh like qualities just now. Drooling, swaying to the music in my head, looking dead-ish. "

" I dunno. I just wanted to wait until you decided to walk. "

" Sounds fair to me. " Leon shrugged. " Oh, yeah… DON'T SHOOT! I'm a human! " Leon said lamely.

" Oh, sorry about that. I thought you were one of them. " The fat ass said. Leon went up to him, clutching his buttocks (so he wouldn't get butt raped, of course!). " But don't you worry, you'll be safe with me. "

Leon used his psychic powers to predict that once he went around the counters and picked up the ammo, zombehs were going to burst through the window and eat the fat man. So, he told the lard ass.

" I can handle them, trust me. "

Leon said " Wow, you're like Superman! Except fatter and more pedophilic! "

" Yep, that's me. "

Leon went around the counters and picked up the ammo and just like he predicted, zombehs burst through the window and ate a good three hundred pounds of blubber.

" OH SHIT!! " Leon ran out of the back door of the gun shop and into some weird alleyway.

There were zombehs playing basketball. One of them oddly looked like Kobe Bryant.

" DIE MOFUCKAS! " Leon screamed and poked and prodded his gun on their asses.

UP SOME STAIRS, OVER A BRIDGE, THROUGH A BUS, AND SOME GATES LATER…

" YAYZ. I'm at the police station finally. " Leon burst out into Crack That Superman, in memory of the fat lard.

He went into the police station. " Oooooh. Pwetty lights. " The police station was empty looking and was weird. " Hello hello hello hello hello! " His voice echoed. " Tehe! Tehe tehe tehe. "

" SHUT DA FUCK UP YOU CRAZY CRACKUH! " Somebody screamed through a door.

" OMG. What the hell was that? I better investigate! " Leon ran epically, diving behind desks, sliding along walls, doing flips like a ninja, until he reached the door that he heard the voice in. He went inside to discover a dying black man sitting up against some lockers. " Figures… black guys always die first. "

" If I wasn't dyin' already, I would so bust a cap in yo ass. " The black man said. " And actually, you retard crackuh, dat fat Supaman lookin' ass died first, remembuh? "

" First of all homie, I ain't no cracker. Youdon't put chedder on me and eat me for snack time, ya dig? " Leon did the head roll and finger snap and everything. " Second of all, oh. I forgot. Lolololololol. "

" Yo ass need mental care, real talk. " The black man adjusted himself right in front of Leon. And all I'm saying is he didn't adjust his position…

" Ewwies, that's disgusting! "

" Okay, Crackuh Boy, I got a nursery rhyme for you: 'There once was a whitey named Dice, who looked like Fonzie on steroids…blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!' "

" Hey, " Leon's eyes narrowed. " that's copyrighted material! "

" I don't give no shit. Say, are you dat new cop dat was finna be startin' hurr today?"

"Yes. " Leon said. " What happened here? "

" Well, we was goin' to throw you a welcome party, you know what I'm sayin'? Then, these zombeh like creatures burst through da door wantin' to eat us. " He explained.

" How did this happen? " Leon asked, not caring one bit but thought he should ask for plot reasons.

" There was dis incident on da outskirts of town in this mansion. Da S.T.A.R.S team went to investigate and found out dat dis virus had happened there. " The black man groaned, his wound was becoming worse. " And dat dis corporation was behind it all. "

" What is this corporation called? "

" Umbrella. "

Leon burst out laughing. " Umbrella-ella-ella aye aye aye, under my umbrell-"

" Shut da hell up! Dat song ain't even come out yet, foo! Dis be 1998!"

" My badness. " Leon pouted.

" Anyways, you need to get da fuck outta hurr before I turn into one of those zombehs. Hurrs my card for da computer on dat desk outside. It should unlock da doors so you can get into them. "

" Thank's homie. "

" No problem, crazy crackuh. Now get! "

Leon ran out of the door faster than a cheetah on steroids in a one hundred mile long race hopped up on cocaine and drinking monster and chasing after big fat ass gazelles. You get the picture, don't you?

He went over to the computer and stared at it. Leon had no clue how to work this crazy machine. Even though there was this big thing on the desktop that read: CLICK ME IF YOU WANT TO UNLOCK THE TWO DOORS IN THIS WEIRD ASS POLICE STATION.

After about two frigging hours of contemplation, Leon finally noticed the button. " Yayz. I'm smarticle. "

He entered the code on the card key and he heard the sound of doors unlocking. He threw the card key randomly on the desk and turned around. There was a type writer sitting on the edge of the desk.

" That makes no effing sense! A computer is sitting right over there, and then they have this old typewriter? El oh el. "

He randomly wanted to start typing his name and stuff, but the typewriter started shouting at him. " You need an ink ribbon to type on this!"

" Whoa, a typewriter that talks. " Leon found the ink ribbons and typed in the following: Leon Sucks Ass Kennedy/ Secks: Pen15/Ag3: 2/ Status: Singl33. Ladeez hit meh upp!

" There, my work is complete! " Leon started singing Happy Happy Joy Joy and doing the Stanky Legg.

This might take awhile.

---

SOMEWHERE DEEPER INTO THE POLICE STATION…

Claire with the red field was waiting for Leon. She was sitting in some red chair.

" Where the hell is he? " She said to herself.

" HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY JOY! " She heard a male voice shouting somewhere else in the police station.

Claire sighed. " Ah, fuck. "

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**A/N: Okay seriously, wtf is up with the typewriters in RE anyways? **

**I mean, that defies logic. Oh I'm just going to type my name in this typewriter and I'll be ok so if I die I'll come back to this ugly typewriter. Lawlz. **

**Anyways, review plzzzzzzzz. Or else Leon will go on a gun poking and prodding spree in front of you… O.o**

**I don't want that and I don't think you do either. XD**


	3. Leon makes them good lickers go bad

**A/N: Aww, guys I'm hardly that funny now, come on. :D**

**But I appreciate the really kind words about ****this fanfiction. Really, I do.**

**Sorry it took so long to update. I have school work to do and a new hot German foreign exchange student to drool over. My badness. Haha.**

**Once again:: (BULLLL) I DONT OWN RESIDENT EVIL. I THINK CAPCOM DOES?! (or those Japanese people) Oh well. xD**

**& I also do not own Cobra Starships song: Good Girls Go Bad. kthxbaii. :)**

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Chapter 3: Leon makes them good lickers go bad

When Leon was finally done screaming Happy Happy Joy Joy, he walked to the double doors he had unlocked. Once inside he saw a peice of paper lying on a couch looking thing.

Leon picked it up. It looked like some Police Memorandum. " Wtf. Who just leaves this kinda shit lying around? " He stated and filed the paper god knows where. After that, he noticed a big chest. When he opened it he found three first aid sprays. " Huh, how convenient. I'll mindlessly keep bringing items to and retrieving them from these 'magical' storage bins that somehow share contents with other bins, and always seem to be really, really far from where I am. Kewlz! "

"Can anyone else say: Defies Logic?! " The person-who-writes-this-story shouted furiously.

Leon strutted his stuff towards the end of the room and around this weird wood thing. A figure crawled over the window and scared the shit out of Leon... literally.

" HOLY BANANA PEELS!! " He walked relunctantly through the door that was to his left. He walked in scared as a muffin in the oven and peeked out the window. "Phew! No creepy red crawling thing. I'm lucky today! " Why he felt lucky during a Zombie Apocalypse? I do not know.

Leons luck didn't last too long because he soon discovered the body of a police man who got his head ripped right off. " Dayum. This guy didn't have a good day... " He didn't even care as he stepped past the corpse and sashayed down the hall until he came to a pool of blood that was dripping from the ceiling. Leon heard a weird clicking noise, so he looked up to see the creepy red crawling thing. It's tongue slithered out of it's mouth and flipped seductively towards Leon.

" Uhm, sorry. I'm only interested in this Chinese hoe at the moment. I haven't met her yet, but I have this strange feeling I'll love her. Yep. "

The creepy red crawling thing was not pleased. It jumped to the ground and cat fought Leon to the death. Naturally, the creepy red crawling thing won...

Haha just kidding! Of course Leon won or else the story couldn't go on! So here's what really happened:

Remember the pool of blood? Yeah? Well the licker slipped and broke it's neck.

" Sa-weet! I kicked his ass! "

" You suck! " A shrill voice shouted at Leon.

" Well, gee. Thanks for that amazing compliment! "

Leon continued his way down the hall and through a door. " Great! More hall to shashay through! "

Eventually, he came to a pair of weird looking double doors. The room beyond the doors was what used to look like a classroom. There were papers EVERYWHERE. He walked over to a desk and picked up an Operation Report.

" Double You Tea Eff is up with these classified documents lying everywhere?! " Leon screamed, alerting a dozen zombies on the outside.

He walked to the back room and saw a fireplace. " Well, I am pretty cold right now. Why not? "

He took his lighter out of his pocket and lit a fire in the hearth. A portrait above the fireplace crackled and a hole burned through it. " Oh shizzle! Imma have to pay for that! Wait... no I don't. Hehe. "

A red jewel popped out of the painting like a bunny in a magicians hat.

" Hmm? Why are there hidden secrets throughout this effing police station? Why must everything be so complicated? "

" Stop questioning the game plot and just continue to be a douche and miraculously escape from here!! " The person-who-tells-the-story ordered.

Leon shit himself, yet again. " Yes ma'am. "

" Damn straight!"

Anyways, back to the story, Leon picked up the red jewel and hurried out of the room. It was reminding him of his third grade teacher Mrs. Wolff who was schitzo or something like that.

He went down the hall some more until he reached another door. Inside the door was another hall. Except this one was full of several zombehs.

Leon panicked and ran around in frantic circle attracting the zombehs' attention. He then remembered he had the power to kill these stanky creatures by poking and prodding on his handgun. " Shabooya roll call! "

The female zombeh cocked her head to the side. " Bring it on? "

" DIEEEEE!!! " Leon shouted and you know the rest.

After the zombehs were killed, Leon went up a flight of stairs that led to another hall, minus the zombies.

He went to a door to his left. The door knob turned but the door wouldn't budge.

" Son of a beach! " Leon kicked the door furiously.

" Go away! " A mysterious voice whispered loud enough for Leon to hear.

" Umm, ok. " And he did just that. He discovered some statues. Three to be exact. " Well what the hell do I do now? " He put on his infamous thinking cap. " Aha! I got it! " Leon climbed on top of the statue, stood up, and then plucked the gem out of the statues marble hand. " Tehehehe. I got me a edumacation. "

He saw another door and he entered it. It was a dirty, gray colored hallway. " Yuck. How depressing. " He then noticed the two zombehs staring blankly at him. " Yo, dat's wut up! " Leon nodded at them and then drop kicked their asses. He then entered a office with a sign that said: S.T.A.R.S

" Woot woot! Maybe I'll see some constellations. " He smiled stupidly, totally forgeting about what the black man who didn't die first said about the S.T.A.R.S team.

Once inside, he noticed the room looked like it had been thoroughly searched.

He went to a locker and opened it. Inside it was a shotgun. " America...fuck yeah! Shotguns... fuck yeah! "

He then noticed a green diary on one of the desks. He picked it up curiously. It was Chris Redfield's diary. " Okay. If someone searched this office, don't you think they would've noticed this information filled diary?! Eh, whatever. " Leon shrugged, fearing another outburst from the person-who-writes-this-story.

Supposedly, Chris went to Europe to stop Umbrella for good. He also added an apology note to Claire.

Leon burst out in singing Umbrella, until he noticed a Unicorn Medal laying underneath the diary. " Ooh, shiney. " He grabbed it and tucked it into his pocket.

" Leon! " Some annoying female voice shrieked from the doorway.

Leon then shit himself for the third time this chapter. " What the fuck, Claire? This is a zombeh outbreak! You don't sneak up on people. It's like your turning into another form of Michael Jackson! May he rest in peace. "

O.o? Was exactly Claire's facial expression at this point of Leon's stupidity.

" Well, it's good to see you haven't been turned into a zombeh. That would've sucked. Your boobies would've turned all saggy and green and DEAD. " He shuddered at the nasty thought. " Oh, and btw, we're not gonna find your bro. He ditched yo ass for Europe. Hah hah haha hah! " He stuck his tongue out at her and pointed his finger.

Claire took the diary sadly.

Leon, not really giving a shit about her sadness, said " Well since your hoe ass is okay, let's split up and find any survivors and get the hell out of here! "

" But, wouldn't it be much safer if we stuck together? " Claire objected.

" Bitch, I am the man. What I say goes! " Leon shouted. Then smiled at the memory of his father. " What a great sexist man... ahem. " He cleared his throat. " You heard me! Move it! "

" Right! " She nodded.

Leon gangster walked to the door. " Oh yeah, take this radio, just in case we need to talk. " He threw it so hard at her it bashed her in the nose. Before he could witness her crying, he ran out of the door.

Wow, Leon Scott Kennedy. Always the ladies man.

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**A/N: Yep, I know this chappy was long. But who gives a hoot? **

**Again, sorry it took so long for me to update.**

**Reviews are a form of love, didn't you know?? :) 3**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Peace, Love, LOLSMILEYFACE**


	4. Twilight in the library?

**A/N: Well ello people.**

**Again, sorry it took so effing long to update. I just recently moved and we had no internet for a full week and a half!! O.o**

**Talk about torture!**

**Anyways, oh em eff gee. I am soooo happy I am the cause of all this laughter in this world. Ahaha. :)**

**Seriously, thanks so much.**

**And holy banana peels, I absolutely will check out that fan art. Oh yesh. :D**

**I don't own Resident Evil. K? Nor do I own Dora the Effing Explorer and Twilight! GAWSH!**

**

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Chapter 4: Twilight in the library?

After Leon left the room he started tossing the Unicorn Medal up in the air. " Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with this damn thing? "

FLASHBACK TIME

Leon was spinning around randomly in the police station front hall during orientation.

"Stop spinning you oddly hyper moron!" His police chief whacked up upside his head.

"Aye aye, sir!"

"Now, don't go brown nosing around this station. It'll do you know good. Trust me, I'm used to all the odd puzzles and such around this place. Are you listening Mr. Kennedy?"

"Yes ma'am. "

" I'm male... "

" Right... "

The chief shook his balding head in defeat. " Whatever. Your a douche bag who'll have it coming to you when I release this Zombie Apocalypse on the world. Bwahahaha har har har tharsdays! "

Leon was too busy picking his nose and examining a bloody booger to register the fact that the chief and just admitted to his evil doings.

"Erm, as I was saying, don't ever read the plaque on that statue right over there! " The chief ordered.

" Why would you have the plaque on there to read then? That's kinda stupid. "

" Are you in any position to tell me what's stupid? Your the idiot that was spinning around & looking at your own boogers a second ago!"

" Ahh, touche. "

END OF FLASHBACK

"Oh right! I have to put the Unicorn Medal into that weird indent thingy majigger on that statue! " Leon realized. You see, he had disobeyededed his chief and read the plaque anyways. " Hee hee, I'm bad to the bone. "

Leon sprinted towards his destination, but before he got there, the zombies he alerted last chapter from his weird shout shoved their hands through a boarded up window.

" Whoa! " Leon whipped out his pepper spray and maced their stanky asses. " Heh heh, that was cool. "

The person-who-rights-this-story grabbed an imaginary Magnum and shot herself.

Anyways, once Leon placed the Unicorn Medal in the indentation on the statue, he received a Precinct Key in the shape of a spade.

" Oh kewlzies! It's like I'm in frigging Alice In Wonderland or something! " He cheered retardedly.

The black man who didn't die first - who was still miraculously alive - shouted from the door he locked " Well, yo dumb crackuh ass isn't! So stop prancin' around and shit like a fairy and get me da hell outta hurr! I'm hungry! I funna be up eatin' some chicken afta all dis shit is through! "

" Yeah, ok... " Leon rolled his eyes, for his That's So Leon powers already told him the black man would turn a shade of blue and come after him in this office room. Yes, you read right. AS A FRIGGIN ZOMBEH! O.O

Leon went back through the door where the magical bins are, and through the door at the end of the room again where he made that good licker go bad, and he discovered a gray door by the pool of blood the licker slipped on. " Hmm, when did this get here?"

He tried to open the door but it was locked. A spade was etched under the keyhole. " It seems like we need something out of my backpack. Can you say 'backpack'? Say backpack! "

" Backpack, Backpack! Backpack, Backpack! I'm the Backpack loaded up with things and knickknack's too. Anything that you might need I got inside for you. Backpack, Backpack! Backpack, Backpack! Yeah! " The Backpack concluded it's song. " Leon needs something that can open this door. Will you use the book Green Eggs in Ham, A cup full of Juicey Juice, three quarters, or the Spade Key? "

There was a full annoying minute of epic silence. " That's right! The Spade Key!! " The backpack sang, somehow managing to through the key out of it's zipper (with no hands, mind you) and gave it to Leon.

" Thanks, Backpack! " He unlocked the gray door and stepped inside. It seemed to have been a filing room of some sort. He found a Patrol Report on one of the shelves. " Great, more important documents. Good grief... "

He walked around through the mazes of shelves until he found a stepping stool/ladder thing. " Ooh, something shiny! " Leon squealed with excitement, as he pushed the ladder up against a cabinet. The shiny thing Leon spotted was a square-ended crank. " Seriously what the fuck?! I thought this would be pwetty. " :( That was Leon's face.

Leon wandered back to the depressing gray hallway where the S.T.A.R.S hallway was. He followed it all the way to end, and found a door. He unlocked it using the Spade Key.

"This key is useless now. Discard? Yes or No? " A voice sounded in his head.

" OMG! I am going crazy! " He said yes just to get rid of the crazy thing that made his head talk to his head. LOL at making no sense.

Inside the room he unlocked was what used to be a lobby... and several zombies.

"Ugh, when will this shenanigans end!"

The zombies died of laughter because Leon said 'shenanigans'.

Leon straightened up proudly and said " That was easy! "

The person-who-writes-this-story resurrected from the grave. " The hell?!?! You didn't do shit! Except of course, embarrass yourself by saying shenanigans.

" Shuddup! " Leon came back lamely.

He found some doors and went through them. Now he was in what looked like a library. " Maybe they'll have the Twilight Series here!! " He smiled brightly and walked up some stairs. Suddenly, he fell through the floor.

"Wtf? That was SO totally uncalled for. I could have hurt myself! Christs sake! "

He then noticed a power switch button on the wall, and he pressed it moving the book case out of the way so Leon could search for the Twilight books. While he was searching, he accidentally hit some buttons that were on the bookshelf, causing something to move back in the place where he fell through the floor.

" I better investigate! El Fago away! " He zoomed back to where he fell and saw something that was hiding from him earlier behind some weird gray plate. It was something called a Bishop Plug. " I'm lost... " Leon stared blankly at the plug and hurriedly tucked it back into his pocket.

Leon looked around the library and noticed a pair of double doors. He walked through them to find himself on the balcony thing of the front hall of the police station.

" Tehehe, I'm making echo sounds again! " Leon said to himself.

" You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. " A zombeh that was just standing there pointed out.

Leon raised his eyebrows. " That's not true! "

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

This went on for about another hour before Leon got irritated and pushed the talking zombeh over the ledge.

Leon then discovered more talking zombehs that agreed with the first one. So, Leon shot them all angrily.

"Oooh an emergency latter! " Leon clapped. " Would a zombeh outbreak qualify as an emergency? I think so. " So Leon pressed a button, and the latter came down.

At the end of the second floor hall there was a door that led into yet again another magical bins room. " Unbelievable! " Leon shook his head. " Oh well, why am I complaining? It benefits me! "

He found a small key on a couch and tucked it into his pocket. He also found the first part to a secretary's diary.

" ' The cheif looked so hot today. Oh my gosh, I almost fainted.' " Leon recited. "Ick, boring!"

He had a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.

"Tinkle Tinkle little potty, how I wonder how you squaty! " He sang along to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He noticed all the readers reading this line. " No! You can't watch! Gosh, effing pedos! "

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**A/N: What a great way to end the chappy. :D Lol.**

**Anyways, remember the hot German foreign exchange student I was talking about last chapter?**

**Yea? Well he has a girlfriend. Seriously? WTF. Haha. **

**Oh well, he's still mighty fine. **

**If you've seen the Twilight movie, he looks a lot like Carlisle (the doctor) except YOUNGER! :D**

**So yeah, if you read this, please review!**

**Peaceee(:**


	5. Nice racks!

**I feel like a crappy person.**

**It has been AGES since I updated this.**

**I am extremely sorry and I hope you guys who have been faithful readers aren't mad at me.**

**A lot has happened lately & I found myself inside an unbreakable writers block.**

**I hope you can forgive me!**

**Here is Kapitel Funf! (That means Chapter Five in German. Tehehe :D)**

**

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**

Chapter Five: Nice racks!

Leon went through some ugly lookin' door (Who is so shallow that they judge doors? For seriously? :P) in hopes of finding a potty room.

What he found there was....drum roll puh-leez.... a helicopter that was on fire and some zombehs! Didn't think of that, now did ya? Okay... maybe you did. O.o

"Onoez! What should I do? The writer-of-this-story has been absent so long that I forgot my awesome sauce zombeh fighting skills while I was in hyper sleep!"

Lucky for Leon, the zombeh slipped and cracked his head on the floor, causing his brain to fall out of his skull.

"Heh heh, kill zombehs, LIKE A BOSS. Date Claire, LIKE A BOSS. Flip my hair, LIKE A BOSS." Leon used his great intelligence to ponder that he wasn't Superman and he could not fly over the fire radiating from the helicopter. So he decided to do the only thing he could. Go through another door. Exciting, huh?

In the room he felt a slight breeze and the cawing of crows. "Dammit! Please tell me the crows aren't zombehfied!"

_Of course they are! DUH! This is a zombie apocolypse! Everything except head lice and whales are zombehs!_ His inner conscience told him as if that was basic common knowledge.

"Oh, right." Leon agreed as he meandered his way down the creaky hallway.

Soon enough he saw the crows. They looked like they were minding their own business. Leon smiled to himself. That is, he was smiling until he saw the decaying corpse of a police officer at his feet. "Ew nasty yuck!!" Leon screamed like a five year old girl. When he screamed like a pussy, he happened to set off the crazy schizophrenic, bi-polar, ADD, ADHD, chronic depression, HIV positive, Gonorrhoea infected crows. "Fuckin' lovely as fuck! FUCK!"

Leon ran away from the insane zombeh birds until he came to a door at the end of the hallway. Naturally, he ran inside it frantically to save his good-for-nothing arse.

The door he blindly opened was a door to the roof. A helicopter was crashed into the building. Flames leaped along the body of the aircraft, sending plumes of smoke high into the sky.

"Whoa." Leon stared at the flames like a dumb-ass until his eyes started to burn from the smoke. He walked across the roof until he saw a very un-safe stairwell. His therapist told him to try something new every single day, so Leon decided to do somersaults all the way down. When he came to the bottom, bruised, bleeding, and cut, mind you, he saw a female zombeh staring at him.

"Oh shit!" Leon sprinted past her (can I call the female zombeh a her, or even a female? Basically she's a thing since she's a dead mutated body. Oh well, enough philosophical crap. Let's get on with my dumb story xD) and a few other zombehs until he came to a, you guessed it! Another door. Except this door led Leon into some furnace/office room. Near a desk, he saw a valve handle.

"I might as well take this! I might need it! Even though I wonder why the hell random shit is laying around for anyone to grab." Leon stated to himself. He ran past the freaky zombehs, went up the stairs and past the burning helicopter into this gated off small strip of pipes and shit.

In the middle of the cluster of pipes, low and behold, was a space fitted perfectly for a valve handle. Leon turned the valve handle and a water tank above him exploded, causing water to rain down on the burning helicopter. While the fire was dying, Leon wondered to himself: "Why didn't the fire spread? Seriously? GAY."

The person-who-writes-the-story screamed in frustration at Leon and grabbed a beer. "I might need this."

Any who, Leon went through the hallway full of in-need-of-psychiatric-help crows and back into the hall where the burning helicopter was. Now, there was just a burned up aircraft still slightly sizzling.

Leon, being the douche nozzle that he is, touched the helicopter. "Owwie!!" Leon sucked his index finger like a child and then pulled it out of his mouth instantly. For he remembered that he just scratched his butt with that finger.

The helicopter completely destroyed the wall, and a door that was behind it. Leon squeezed past the helicopter and in the the room across from the rubble.

Leon walked aimlessly around the room until he saw the busts of two women, on the far wall. "Oooh. Nice racks!" He let his fingers slide like an expert pedophile across the cool marble breasts. All the while laughing like a toddler. In the midst of his douchey immaturity, he noticed the shape of something very familiar.

"Oh! I know this! Think think... think think..." He tapped his fingers along the side of his head like Winnie the Pooh until he remembered the red jewels he found.

He took the jewels out of his pocket and placed each of them in the indentations. A mans bust in the middle of the women's, opened up, revealing a Kings Plug.

"Jay-zus! More chess pieces. What am I gonna do with these? Play chess with myself like that shizophrenic old man in the disney short story before Bugs Life?"

Leon's eyes spotted something shiny on the crates next to him. On it was another precinct key, except this one was in the shape of a diamond.

He skipped across the room and out the door while shoving his treasures into his pockets.

Leon then remembered something very important.

He went to Hogwarts one time! He even learned to apparate! He could now travel across the police station without having to wear out his wee wittle wegs. (Wee little legs, for all you dumb turds :D)

FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND BILLION MILES AWAY....

J.K Rowling threw her controller down on her castle floor. "The bloody hell is this bullocks? Why are the Japs stealing my grand awesome sauce British ideas!"

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**I know, I know. The ending is lame.**

**I just wanted to get this chappy out to you all.**

**Kioniyuki: Thank you so much for your fan art! I tried the link, but it didn't work. If you don't mind messaging me, I'll give you my e-mail, just send it to me through that! xD**

**thelionheartedgirl: Awww thanks! I'm truly happy I'm making you and your dad laugh. My dad thinks I am a nerd for writing this. :P But yeah I know final fantasy 7! My best friend is a huge fan. Maybe after this story me and her will get together and start it! Thanks for the idea! **

**So yeah, thanks for reading!**

**Again, I am so so so so so sorry for the way I have been neglecting this. **

**Please review. Thanks!**


	6. Marijuana and Reunions

**A/N: So I'm thinking about making another parody.**

**Idk what I should make funny, though! **

**I'm thinking Twilight but that is so overrated right now.**

**So if you guys have any thoughts or ideas, feel free to let me know!**

**Enough of my pointless babble...Here's the chappy! (:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own RE, The Hangover, or The Office! (Btw, whoever catches The Office & Hangover references gets a cookie!)**

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Chapter Six: Marijuana and Reunions

Once Leon successfully apparated, he realized where he was: the hallway where his licker girlfriend slipped and died. :( Sad face!

He ran down the hall where he saw the policeman with no head still lay in the hallway surrounded by broken glass. "Omg, his cappa has been detated! " Leon ran screaming like a little bitch when he passed the pile of blood the licker slipped on.

"The bloody hell? Heh heh, how appropriate. Bloody...hell... heh heh." Leon wiped drool of his chin. " Where did her beloved body go? It disappeared! Oh well. Tra la la la. " Wow, he got over that shit quick.

Anyways, Leon walked down the many hallways in the police station until he came across the one with the stairs and marble floor. Leon played rock paper scissors with himself and decided to go right.

What he found was a cheap looking door with a diamond etched under the keyhole. Leon dug around through his pockets to find the key...

" Trojans...no. Bubble gum...yes!" Leon popped the gum into his mouth and chewed greedily. "Handgun... who needs guns? It's a Zombeh Apocalypse! We can kill them with kindness!" He finally found the key and unlocked the door.

The room seemed to be what was left of a very messy filing room. The cause of the mess seemed very apparent. There were 5 effing zombehs in this room!

"Okay. Being kind to your enemies really does have an effect. So, hey! Want some coffee? My treat!" Leon put his hands out as if he were going to embrace the zombehs.

One of the zombehs came closer and bit down on Leon's shoulder. "Oh fuck killing them with kindness! It's time to batterize these bitches!"

Leon went Columbine on all their decaying asses! (hope the Columbine reference doesn't offend anyone. I heart Colorado! O.o)

After that totally bi-polar moment on Leon's part, he found another door. "Oooh I love opening things! That's what she said!"

The door led to what used to be an office of some sort. He saw a green looking plant on the floor. "Marijuana! Yay!"

Leon was unfortunately wrong. It was a green herb, indeed, but it did not get anybody high. They healed people! XD

"Bow-chica-wah-wah!" Leon moon walked across the room until he saw the black guy who didn't die first.

"Whoa! Jamal, my man. Or is your name Tyrese? I don't freakin' know! All I know is that we're all apart of the Kewl Kids Klub! Get it? The KKK!" Leon cracked up laughing at his own lame joke. What a n00b.

But Jamal/Tyrese did not respond. Leon stepped a bit closer and... ka-bam! The black guy who didn't die first stood up, groaned, and then turned a very ugly shade of blue.

"Oh shit on Sherlock Holmes, he's a zombeh!" Leon bursted out crying. "But he's the only friend I've ever had EVER!"

"Shuh duh fuhk uuuhhhp!" The zombeh groaned.

"Even in death your still a badass." Leon aimed his gun at the black man who didn't die first. "Negro, I be so sorry for having to shoot a brotha this way. This be the most trifling reunion ever." He let his index finger pull the trigger. The zombeh fell to the ground, twitched a little, then died.

On the desk of the office cubicle the black guy who didn't die first (a.k.a Tyrese or Jamal) was another precinct key. This one was shaped like a heart.

"Bloody hell? Are all these keys like the cards? Am I going to find a precinct key shaped like a club next?" Leon pouted. He hated being smart and predicting his very short future.

The-person-who-writes-this-story cursed at Leon's reluctant intelligence, as she scribbled out the shape of the next key and changed it to be in the shape of a star.

Leon walked over by some dirty lockers hanging off their bolts and exited out the door.

He was back in the oddly huge echoey hallway. He saw another door near the front doors.

"Gee wilikers, I didn't see that door before! My laws!" He skipped over there like a Nancy boy and opened the door.

He was in a hallway with blue paint or wallpaper on the walls. Who really cares about the colour, seriously?

The hallway was full of zombehs.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL I'm the three best friend that any could ever have! I'm the three best friend that anybody could ever have!" Leon busted out singing.

The zombehs clutched at their dead ears and died from the agony of Leon's singing.

"And THAT'S how you get the job done!" He noticed a set of blue double doors to his right. "Ah, fuck it. I'll come back to it later."

Leon walked curiously down the bloody looking hallway until he found more Marijuana! "Ooh, yes!" Of course he tucked the good weed into his pocket!

He saw a few vending machines that looked like they were broken into. Candy bars were spilled out all over the floor.

He spotted a Twix bar lying on the floor near where the green herb used to be.

_Need a moment?_ A very deep black man voice sounded somewhere in his head.

Leon thought about his circumstances. "Hell yes, I do."

_Grab a damn Twix then!_

"Um, ok!" Leon shoved the whole thing into his mouth. "Wodatsolverrthing!" (translation: "Wow, that solved everything!")

_Mhm, brother it did._

Leon trudged deeper down the hall wiping chocolate from around his mouth when he saw a door.

"Maaaan, is it just me or are the a seriously crap load of doors in the station?"

He stepped into the room beyond the door and what he saw was..........

**CLIFFY!**

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**Lol I hope I didn't piss you off with that random cliffhanger.**

**Did you spot The Office & The Hangover references?**

**If you did, in your review tell me what you think they were!**

**Also, give me some parody ideas on a series you think I could do good at making amusing!! (: Lmao.**

**Btw, I do not do drugs of any sort. They are so not good for you.**

**I just always got a good laugh because the green plants looked like pot. xD**

**So yeah, don't be readers and runners! That's against the law, god dammit!**

**Wait... that's hit and run. O.O**

**Oh well, review anyways!**

**Kthxbai! :D**


	7. Angry boyfriend & Zombeh Dawgz

**Sooo hiya guys! It's been forever and a day. Again. D: I apologize. Again.**

**I've been busy with school and sports.**

**Good news, I made my high schools J/V softball team! Holla! :D I'm pretty happy about that.**

**More good news! I am being hella serious about this. I am going to meet the band The White Tie Affair in a few months.**

**My step-mom knows the lead singers mom. WHOA! :) NO bullshit, seriously.**

**Anyways, here's chapter 7! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil 2. Or Leon. (as much as I wish I did...sad face) **

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Chapter Seven:Angry boyfriend & Zombeh Dawgz

ZOMBEHS! Yeah, that's what he saw! What did you think he'd see? Godzilla? This is a zombeh Apocalypse, duh!

Leon shot the mofo's and started goose-stepping down the hallway. (Gosh, I'm terrible :P)

He saw some metallic looking grey door and say a diamond etched under it.

"Hmm, don't I have a key shaped like a diamond?" He rummaged in his pants. "Yep, I do! Ahh, what the hell. ...Might as well!" He unlocked the door and entered it. It looked like an interrogation rooms you see on CSI.

"Sweeeetness!" He looked around and noticed a cord sitting on the table. "I might need this if all else fails. It could make a pretty reliable noose." He tucked the cord in his pocket.

Leon noticed something on one of the shelves in the opposite side of the room. He walked curiously over and noticed it was a Rook Plug.

"God dammit! These retarded things again! " He furiously put it in his pocket.

He then noticed the big mirror/window things detectives look through during their chats with the criminals. Or suspects. Whateva.

Leon stood by the window and tucked his hands in his pockets. " I'm Officer Kennedy reporting to duty. This sucker really is stupider than I thought he was! " He imitated a really dumb criminal, which was really weird because, well, Leon is the dumb one.

At that precise moment, a licker jumped through the window, sending shards of glass flying in every direction.

"Holy shit!" Leon screamed like a bitch and cowered to the floor.

The licker crouched and said " My name is Rico Gonzalez. You killed my girlfriend. Prepare to die!"

"Hold up!" Leon stood up straight and cleared his throat. "You mean to tell me, that the slutty licker I met earlier was your girlfriend?"

Rico nodded his head angrily.

Leon sighed and put his hands on his hips. " Dude, she was not a loyal girl. She was willing to you know... do it with me. " He whispered.

" I always knew the hag was unfaithful! " Rico hissed.

" Aaaand I didn't even kill her! She slipped and broke her neck in some dude's decapitated head blood! "

" That changes everything! I'm not gonna kill you now! "

" Really? "

"No. I'm still gonna eat your brains, you turd. " The licker lunged.

Leon did a sommersault and whipped his gun out. But before he got a shot in, Rico slipped on his drool and broke his neck.

"Deja vu?" Leon raised one eyebrow and ran out of the room before something else crazy happened.

Leon backtracked down the hallway and saw that he missed a big blue double doors. "Wow, those are some fugly doors."

He entered them, and saw a bunch of zombeh's staring wide eyed at him. The zombehs had heard of the Leon S. Kennedy reputation, and they ran away before he could kill them.

The person-who-writes-this-story shook her head in disbelief. "You idiots ran away from this guy? ROLF!"

Leon looked up into some blue eyes hidden behind emo shaggy bangs. "Shuddup you! Keep typing"

He did some exploring around the room. He found some more green and a safe. " I wonder what the combo is? Oh well, it won't hurt to try and guess! All it will do is waste five minutes of my life I'll never get back!"

He pressed random numbers, and the safe popped open. "Wow, that was easy!" Inside the safe was some ammo and a police station map. "... maybe a bit too easy. "

He walked to the back of the room and discovered a door with a heart etched under it.

"Yesss! Now I can get rid of this annoying heart precinct key I've had since three chapters ago!"

Through the doors was a hallway with very ugly mustard yellow wallpaper with smashed windows. "Ick, nasty, yuck!" Leon cringed as his eyeballs burned at the horrid sight.

At the end of the hall was an electrical box that was missing a cord. Leon rummaged through his over-flowing pockets and found the cord, and he put it in the box and activated the switch.

Shutters closed down on the broken windows unexpectedly, making Leon jump.

Leon decsended down a staircase and at the bottom was a very echo-y hall. He heard something that sounded like nails tapping on the floor.

"What the hell is that sound?" He wondered aloud.

The person-who-writes-the-story snickered. "You'll see...dumb ass."

Leon did some investigating and discovered that the noise was coming from a couple of dogs.

"Come here boy! Come here!" Leon was mesmerized, because he hadn't seen a single dog since stepping foot in Raccoon City!

The dog growled menacingly and came sprinting towards him on his legs that showed bone.

BONE?! Leon noticed the oddness of that, and he screamed and kicked at the dogs until the dogs lay limp.

Leon's phone began to ring: "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. It's fantastic when your plastic. You can br-"

"Hello?"

"You kick my dog!"

"Um?"

"You kick my dog! Now I sue you and your whole family!"

Leon looked around wildly and hung up the phone. "...that was strange."

The person-who-writes-this-story hurried up and hid her phone behind her back. "Yep, that really was."

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**Lol, it was kinda long-ish. (:**

**Btw, I think I should mention that I have beat RE2 like, a thousand times. **

**Since I am a lazy person, I didn't want to replay it to know every single detail of Leon's adventure. Loool.**

**So, I use this guy on youtubes walkthrough. His username is: TheKingScotsman**

**I just thought that I should throw that out there and give his dude the credit he deserves! Haha.**

**Anyways, review pleaseeeee! **

**xD**


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